What to get your Mom for her birthday

Ever had the dilemma of not know what present to get? Isn’t it even harder when it’s your Mom? Well, in this day and age, just type your query into Google, and surely you’ll be blasted with lists of thoughtful, useful gifts to delight Mom. Surely.

After endless handmade chocolates and birthstone jewelry, there’s this little nugget: a solar-powered mystic garden gnome. Yep, you read that right. “Darling during the day, enchanting at night. Solar panel lights up the toadstool inside the magic ball at dusk.” Whew! Another birthday successfully dodged. And i’m covered for at least Christmas and Mother’s Day with the Solar Hiking Gnome, and Solar Cottage Toad Abode. Or should I get the Dyson hand vacuum instead?

tubular hotels…?

Ok, just heard about these interesting means of shelter that are popular in spacious Japan called Capsule hotels. Everyone knows for a fact that Asians are clearly more efficient that Americans/Canadians: their multi core brain processors have surpassed our overclocked single cores which allows them to develop some amazing technological advances like these Capsules or as we refer to them in the office, tubes.

I see many different advantages to these tubes and they are clearly the wave of the future. They are extremely cheap, 40$ for the high-end model and compact perfect for city life-get home from work, slink into your private tube, maybe catch some news before you sleep. The tubes are extremely clean and with a few upgrades can be the last home you will ever want to live in, yeah screw white picket fences.

So here are some upgrades, that we have been discussing for the tubes:

• Teh Internet

The next logical step is to increase the technology in these things-I mean who doesn’t use the internet, unless you have been living in a cave or a tube your whole life.

• Facebook…or TubeBook

Now that you have internet, check out who is in your Tube Neighborhood, see who your tube is touching and give them a poke (yes, i’m using facebook terminology when i don’t even have an account).

• Tube Mobility

So, you can go online and meet ppl, and maybe you don’t like your neighbors because they wrote something nasty on your wall so why not move? With this tube mobility you can move to a nicer part of town with the push of a button. Or, find someone you fancy, travel over and see if you can stand living tube-by-tube with them.

• Tube Connection

Maybe things did work out with the lady from Tube 743A and you want to get a bit more intimate. Tube connection can give you that real human touch by connecting your tubes together, heck why not connect 2 or 3 together and have yourself a real party.

• Tube Cleanser

An important part about connecting with your friends tube is how messy it will become afterwards, but it’s a small confined space-maybe smells a bit funky. Pull a lever and flush your tube with fresh chlorinated water, like from high school pools-that’ll kill anything, but remember not to open your eyes. Heck, why not equip the tubes with sensors to auto determine your funkocity level and it will schedule a cleansing for you.

• Tube Food

Up till now we have gotten you entertainment, sex and clean-what’s left to do in life but eat. Each tube should be equipped with a single tube that you suck your meals through. We are all eventually going to get there when we are 80yrs old drinking down all of our solids, so we might as well get an early start.

• Tube Optimizations

We have gone as far as to experiment with optimizations to the tubes by shrinking them in size. The logic being that without the need to move around, your arms and legs become useless, so they would be amputated upon signature of your lifetime tube contract. Reduction is tube size and of the amount of tube food that is required for consumption. The details of this requirement are still up in the air.

• Green Tubes

Green is this years hot button so we might as well press it a couple times and answer the question of how do we pay for such a wonderful service as I’ve described? Body heat-the more your produce the more you get fed, or can go online or some other means of entertainment (hmm maybe we shouldn’t cut off their limbs…).

Yes it sounds like the matrix, so this is both realistic and awesome. Of great ideas this is probably up there with the pet rock.

Thanks for wasting your time with me,

Benjamin Willis